Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
