So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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