woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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