Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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