Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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