Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
