He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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