i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He shit in the fireplace
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
