I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Your penis caused this!
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