Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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