We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
