he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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