my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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