and next time when you feel me up, do it right
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
