my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I wish you could order shots online.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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