$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
