I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
