life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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