Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
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then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
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I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
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