and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
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