Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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