the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
