he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
