I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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