I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
