Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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