if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
