Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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