proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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