sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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