My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
