im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
