Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
