So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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