I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
