my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
