How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
