hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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