It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
