i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
