Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
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