I cut my penus on the lid.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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