I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
