thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Randomize
