It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
