dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
