Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
