omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
