my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
