just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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