I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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