Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
