I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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