so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
