Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I am available for nakedness
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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