woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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