I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
