I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Fuck appropriateness.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
